Pauling Out

Lately, I have missed the closeness with God that I once had. There was a time where God spoke to me so powerfully that I wrote with tears streaming down my face. Now I have a longing to write but God has seemed quiet. I am struggling but God seems distant but in reality I know I am the one who created the distance. So last night I poured it all out. I let God know that I've had a hard time trusting Him. That I am angry with Him. Ridiculous...I know! It must sound the same to Him as it does to me when my kids think a "no" from me  is completely unreasonable when I know I have good reasons to not let them go somewhere or do something they want to do.

I asked God to forgive me for my childish ways. And I asked for a word. Anything! I went to bed last night and woke up this morning drinking my coffee and one word came to me. Paul.

I started thinking of Paul's life. Once he became a believer he didn't have it easy. He spent time in jail. He got frustrated. He struggled with doing good at times.

I've been "Pauling Out"! I want to do good but it seems like a bad attitude creeps in and I can't do the good I want to do. I am frustrated. I realized its busyness in my life that keeps me from doing the good I know I should do! Busyness has become a sin. It keeps me from doing what is most important. It keeps me frustrated. It keeps me from doing what is truly important. It keeps me from God. It drains me. Life has gotten lost in the details. Lesson plans, grading, PO's, practices, fundraising, games, my own kids sports, are all such minor details that have become all consuming! Life is in the interactions. Its in a smile, a hug, an interaction, a word of encouragement. If we get lost in the details we never experience the life we were intended to have. The details drain us and strain those moments that should matter.

So I know the problem but still "Pauling Out" because I can't quit doing any of what I am doing! I know I need to make changes but nothing can change. So what now? I still look to Paul. Three times he begged God to take something from Him but God said,  2Corinthians 12:9 "My Grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness." My answer is no matter how busy I get, I have to put God first and fill up with his word first. Then His spirit can work on mine and his strength can be used in my weakness." This is going to be tough. But getting over my tiff with God is a big first step. Trusting Him again, and going with Him rather than against him is another step.