Faith and Thankfulness!

2014 tested my faith. It stretched our family beyond our comfort zone. It required us to take a leap of faith. I didn't want change. I didn't want to be stretched. But a year ago, I knew 2014 would be a challenge. At the time I had no idea how hard this all would be but I also never imagined how rewarding it would be either.

My word for last year was Faith. We had to have it to get through every day. Faith provided resilience. Faith provided comfort and Faith provided us with a new life. Faith guided us. Faith taught us and Faith gave us hope. But,  Faith also gave us bruises. Faith brought upon doubts. And holding on to Faith at times made us downright mad! But I am so thankful that we didn't lose our Faith. As much as I hated some of the moments of 2014, I am grateful for every disappointment which in turn has lead me to be even more Thankful for all the blessings that we have. Some of which are only ours because ofthe disappointments!

So for 2015, my word is Thankfulness. I want to use Thankfulness to heal the wounds that others caused. I want to be able to thank them genuinely for their part that has gotten us  so strong in our Faith. I want to use Thankfulness this year to be humble and to truly see the daily blessings in life. I want to use Thankfulness this year to live each day like it's a gift and like it's my last day here. Thankfulness is more than just listing blessings. Thankfulness I believe will change every aspect of my life much like Faith did this year! 

A Thanksgiving Poem

The one thing that I am thankful for this year is the one thing that a year ago brought so much sorrow..
This year I am thankful for all the pain, deceit, and tears that brought us to our new tomorrow.


What was intended to bring us pain and bring an end to our story
Was the very thing that brought God all the glory


A year ago, we were thankful for a lot but drowning in pain
A year later, we can smile and reflect on what we had to gain


Peace and trust have come back into our life
The days are easier with not as much struggle and strife


Life is far from perfect but perfection is not what we need
Just a little appreciation is what we need to succeed.


So today as I am thankful for the pain that brought us here
Glory goes to God who told us not to fear


He had this all worked out in that master plan of His
Looking back, His presence in it all is hard to miss


During the pain and during the trial
We stood in a lot of denial


But as the plan was slowly laid out
It was all God! There is no doubt!


Nothing in our wildest dreams would have us here
I thank you God for telling us not to fear


You had us all along in the palm of your hand
You gave us the right people to help us up to stand


I thank you God for allowing the pain
And to Him goes all the glory for this gain.

The Middle. . .

A year ago today, our family was happy!  We had already been told we were staying in Altus for one more year and our son’s football team in little league went undefeated and won the championship the day before!  Life was good!

Today, our family is happy!  We are pretty sure Dibble will have us back for at least one more year but those talks haven’t happened yet because we made the play-offs, having just rattled off 3 big wins to take third in the district and the team hasn’t made it to the 2A play-offs before. Life is great!

Both statements are true.  It’s where the story begins and it’s where the story is now.  It’s the middle that is unbelievable.  I won’t get into the whole story of the middle but I can tell you these things:

1.      In the middle, nothing went as we had hoped for, prayed for or planned, or so we thought. I believed this statement 100%   Psalm 37:4 “Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.”  But when nothing was going as we had hoped for, prayed for or planned, I did doubt this verse until I realized, the desires of our heart are not specific coordinates.  The desires of our heart, don’t have names of towns but are more about what we think that town can bring us.  Our brain processed our heart’s desire to be Frederick but our heart ‘s desire was to have a team and a community like we remember having.  At the core of everything that happened and the crazy events that happened in the middle, our hearts desires were given to us.

2.      In the middle, we found out who our real friends are and how important our family is.  Proverbs 20:6 “Many will say they are loyal friends, but who can find one that is truly reliable.”  In all of this, friends we haven’t seen in years  from high school, stood by us which was awesome!  Some friends we haven’t known long stood by us.  Some stood by us until we moved and we haven’t heard from or seen since.  Some we were sure would be there for us, weren’t there! Some held the knife that stabbed us in the back. But our family has stood by us 100% through it all!  Our family shared the burden and our family supported our decisions.  We couldn’t have gotten through it all without our family and the friends that stood with us!

3.      In the middle, it was easy to lose hope.  Proverbs 13:12 “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life.”  We were truly heartsick.  Everything we wanted  or had was being ripped from us.  Others making decisions that were having huge impacts on our life and we felt powerless and hopeless to do anything about it.  We weren’t depressed.  It was deeper than that.  We were heart sick.  Even when God’s plan finally revealed where we were going, we didn’t feel it was a dream fulfilled but slowly we started to see the small things that were better that began renewing our hope and this morning I can tell you this team and this town has exceeded our expectations in so many ways!
4.      In the middle, we developed  resolve.  1 Cor 15:58  “Be strong and immovable, always work enthusiastically for the Lord, for you know that nothing you do for the Lord is ever useless.”  Even on days when all hope is lost, you know you must move forward.  You may not have hope today but you learn that by taking a step today gets you closer to having hope for tomorrow.  Not giving up and moving forward even when there is no prize to be working for that can be seen but working each day on forgiveness and acceptance of the situation keeps you going even when the pace seems like you are only moving backwards.  There will be setbacks and there will be times of amazing break-throughs.  You never know what the day will bring but you will make it through any of it if you keep working on your resolve.

5.      In the middle, we found joy.  James 1:2 “When trouble comes your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy.  For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow.  So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing."   This is one of my favorite verses when I am going through problems.  Looking at the problem as an opportunity rather than an obstacle helps.  But during the middle, there were times when our family was incredibly joyful throughout our pain.  Laughter would erupt in our home and we had several days where we were over the top with joy even though our circumstances were only getting more difficult!  We also had days were there wasn’t a joyful noise in the house but there were days it was easy to find joy regardless of what was happening.

Where our story begins was joyful and where it is now, has been amazing but the “middle” where the work had to be done just to get here, were some of the darkest days of our life.  The desire to quit and give up had to be fought each day.  Trying to trust God and believe He did have a plan for us was more than difficult on some days and on other days our faith would grow enough to see us through the days we were too heart-sick to carry on.  To anyone going through “The Middle” you will get through it.  Don’t worry about the friends you lost, embrace the friends and family you do have.  Don’t worry about days where your faith is small like a mustard-seed, it’s enough to see you through.  On days where your prayers and answers from God seem like he does the opposite of what you want, just know His ways are better than yours.  On day’s you are heart-sick just know there will be days of joy even through the darkness and then through it there will be a day where the dream God has for you will be revealed and in time you will see that dream is better than the ones you had in mind!

There's Hope In The Wait

Don't Ever Give Up!

Never Give Up!

If every week of our life had a theme, this one’s theme would be “Don’t Ever Give Up” and it even has a video to go with it.  This young man summarized exactly what our game was like this week (even though he was talking about his own game)  with enthusiasm that is just contagious! 

Watch the video at this link if you haven't seen it yet. Apollos Hester's Inspiration Speech (sorry couldn't get the video to embed with this slow internet connection).

But even more, God has shown us this week that He never gave up on us!  The trials and the pain we've gone through were to bring us into this moment. 

Last Friday night I witnessed a team make just about every mistake you can make in a football game.  I witnessed a team that no one in town could remember the last time they had ever beaten the opponent but all were for sure we’d never beaten them on the road!  They had hand-picked us to be their homecoming game because they always have the upper hand.  In some people’s mind’s the game was already won by them before it was even played BUT . . . .

Despite the 5 Turnovers we had, despite the many penalty yards and big plays being called back for holding on us, despite a dirty game by the opponent that didn’t catch the eye of the refs, despite anything and everything going wrong, our team did not give up!  Any thoughts of quitting were replaced with ways of being unrelenting!  The team did not give up! 

With 6 minutes to go in the 4^th quarter and us being down 14 to 15, with drives having  been killed by turnovers  time and time again, our boys got the ball with 92 yards separating them from the end zone and the victory.  They drove down the field flawlessly, chipping down the yardage a little bit at a time until the 43 second mark when they pounded in a 1 yard TD run for what would be the winning TD! 

Many teams we’ve seen would not have that kind of success because they are thinking of quitting when our team thinks of being unrelenting!  Our team in all 3 games has been unable to quit.  They might start out slow but by the end they have put too much into it to give up then!  The scoreboard in all but one of those games proved their efforts but to everyone in the stands you could tell the team didn’t quit in any of the games.

In some games it seems we get to a slow start for three quarters.  We battle through mistakes and adversity for 3 quarters but then somewhere in the 4^th quarter, we get it going.  92 yards and no mistakes when it mattered the most!  That’s what not giving up can do!  Not getting down on your mistakes but willing to go out and work hard to get it back, that’s what life is all about. 

Last winter, there was reason for us to give up after 3 years of starting off slow.  Not only where people down on us, we were down on ourselves.  When we really didn’t have any drive to go another year, when we didn’t feel like our heart would be in to this anymore, and when it seemed easier to quit than to fight, we stuck our neck out one more time and although not every game is a win on the scoreboard, every game is a blessing to us like it never has been before.   Watching this team play, gives me hope each day.  Our future doesn’t have to look like our past.  God has not given up on us and we won’t give up on doing His Will.  Never Give Up!  

Win Or Lose, We Are Still Us!

The last 12 months as a coaching family has been challenging to say the least.  We have experienced turmoil from where we left and walked into a place that accepts us with arms wide open.  The offense one town hated, the other loves.  The characteristics one place hated about us, this place loves.  And I'm sure as we go along what the other place liked about us this place won't.  In the midst of walking through the comments from both sides, I decided that neither side was right about who we are.  Regardless of what both sides had to say, we are still who we have always been.  Maybe a little more tired and worn but roughly the same.  I started seeking my identity in who God says we are rather than the fans.  Last year, I began telling my husband "Win Or Lose, We Are Still Us" before each game and after each game but the truth was who we were was being influenced more and more by the scoreboard and then eventually by the school board. We began believing we were not good enough and didn't measure up but then we hit a turning point and we aren't looking back.  This poem flowed out of my heart this evening. 

Win or Lose, We Are Still Us!

by Kim Stone

It doesn’t matter what the scoreboard reads

Validation like that isn’t one of our needs

 

It doesn’t matter what the fans think

Love us or hate us, minds can change in a blink

Jobs may be lost or obtained by the wins and the losses

But who we are isn’t wrapped around in those tosses

We may be thrown around from one place to another

But who we are as people is what takes us even further

So sit in the stands and love the play calls

Or choose to blame us if the team falls

I can assure you who we are isn’t measured by a scoreboard

Who we are isn’t even decided by a superintendent or a school board

We coach and we serve for an audience of One and that is it

The One that knows us and shows us a love that will never quit

Our audience of One expects more from us than winning a game

He expects us to lead others to Him and proclaim His name

Sometimes it takes a loss for Him to get the teams attention

Sometimes it’s a win where credit to Him gets more than a mention

 

It isn’t up to us as the coaches to decide how God will use the game

It’s up to us to prepare the team in every way in His name

So love us or hate us, the choice is yours to make

We hope you choose to honor God for your own sake

But win or lose we are still us - remains for certain

Our anchor of hope that reaches beyond the curtain

(Hebrews 6:19)

For James said that one who doubts is like a wave tossed by the sea

Living by others opinions will drown you and not set you free

(James 1:6)

So we choose to live by His word rather than the words of our fans

Because we are living out our life according to His plans

“Win or Lose, We Are still us!” will remain our anchor until we are done

As we continue to coach and to serve for our audience of One!

I Am The Coach's Wife

*This was written right before a big game in 2013.  It was actually circulated around the internet as anonymous as I didn't want to claim my work due to the fact I didn't want to cause my husband any more problems than what he already had. Since I wrote this, my husband was let go from his position but has landed quite nicely on his feet at a smaller school and we can't be happier!  As we move on from all of this, it's been placed on my heart not to hide and to not live in a spirit of fear and it was wrong of me not to claim the work.  If God is going to give me a way with His words then I shouldn't be afraid to stand behind what He places in my heart.  

I Am The Coach's Wife

by Kim Stone

On Friday nights when the final horn sounds, you’ll find me in the arms of my hero

It never really matters if it’s a win or a loss where we get beat 100 to zero.     

You see I am the only one in the entire crowd

Who gets to be his wife and stand beside him so proud

I am the only one who truly knows him inside and out

I am the only one who knows what this man truly is all about

Yes he wants his team to win and the losses certainly do devastate

But more than anything he just wants to help set these young men’s lives straight

He puts in more hours than most could possibly believe

He wants the team to go beyond what they think they can achieve

It’s often an uphill battle for this man who carries this team on his back

The community and admin give him quite a bit of flack

But what they don’t see is the man who worries and prays for his team not to win but to know God

How he worries and prays for the lost who are so far from living right they won’t try out for the squad.

They don’t see the man who mentors those young men whose hearts are broken

They don’t see the man who is a light guiding players through God’s word that is spoken

They don’t see the pain he has when the team gives less than their best

They don’t see changing the lives  of these young men is his quest

They don’t see he wants more from his players than they are willing to give

He wants to truly show them 100% effort in all is how to live

But the roadblocks and the obstacles seem to come up each day

Where all he can really do to help this team is take it to God and pray

His obstacles daily are more than most would try to overcome

Plus he has all of the second guessing and undermining of some alum

It’s hard to read the comments on facebook and all the tweets

Saying how we need a new coach who knows how to compete

Most of these comments come from people who never met him face to face

Most  have never been to a practice or a game in the first place

It’s not easy to take the heat from those who truly don’t know this man

But it’s their loss for not knowing him and understanding his plan

You see, I am more blessed to walk beside this man than anyone in this town

I am blessed with a man who leads others daily to the victors crown.

It may not be a gold ball just yet but its bigger than that it’s eternal life

And  I get to be by his side and see it all because I am  the coach’s wife! 

New Beginnings

by Kim Stone

A new perspective is gained while waiting to see what life proposes

A new beginning is about to  start where a terrible ending closes

It’s been a difficult road with many turns and several twists

The pain and heart breaks are too numerous to even list

But a new day is about to dawn and break the darkness of our life

A new day that will take us far away from of all of this strife

A new chance to start fresh once again

To forget the pain from where we’ve been

However, I find myself completely unprepared for my new tomorrow

I still find myself at times in confusion and so much sorrow

Not because of the direction my life has now taken

But because of how I’ve changed; my identity is shaken

I feel blessed to be moving on to brand new things

But having lost some of my passion is what stings

We are moving on to a much better situation that  deserves our best

But knowing part of me died when we took too many shots to the chest

To many heartbreaks, to many broken promises, that killed part of our dream

Makes it impossible to have the same level of hope, passion or trust to gleam

So although the road ahead feels familiar and we’ve been there time and again

This time we are changed and life seems to be taking us for a spin

As we start anew, I don’t know how I’ll react to the same things

I’m different now so I’ll have to wait to see what this brings

But I do know this change is permanent as part of me died with the dream

That part of me is lost, forever gone, nothing to repair and nothing to redeem

It’s pointless to ask those who hurt us to understand what we’ve lost

It’s not just a job, income, or a house, it’s our dreams that have paid the cost

We truly had a love for this community and this town

One of the few trying to bring it up rather tear it down

But for whatever reason

We are moving on from this season

We are moving to a place that I wish we’d been all along

They are getting us at our weakest when they deserve us strong

And for whatever reason we will arrive a little broken

With humility in our hearts being what is spoken

God has had His hands in all of these messes

And what He has his hands in, I know He blesses

So as I sit waiting to see our new life begin

I have to thank Him for saving us once again

The pain of other circumstances not working out

Certainly did shed  a huge cloud of doubt

But seeing where we are and where we could be

I know God was right for reaching out to save me

My prayers for months were to deliver us from those who want to cause harm

So when he moved us why was I surprised and so alarmed?

He answered my prayer in a way I never would have believed

I can open my eyes to see now that my heart is no longer grieved

From looking out and seeking Him to searching within

I can now lift up my hands to signify I’m ready for the new life to begin

So here’s to our new tomorrow

And saying good-bye to yesterday’s sorrow

May God bless us in all we do each step of the way

And for our life to switch from night to the dawn of a new day

What Do You Want Out Of Life?

 God said to me, “I know you keep feeling that something is missing in your life. What do you want out of life?”

My first thought was happiness but being happy is too shallow.  My thoughts turned to joy but that is selfish too. If God is really asking me what I want out of life, those answers didn’t seem to cut it.  I thought of love but I have love so it’s not missing from my life.

God turned my attention over to the prayers I have been sending up lately.  Prayers to sell this house and to provide another place for us to live as we move and for us to be successful at our new jobs.  So he asked me, “Is it money and success you want out of life?”  And although that was what I had been praying for, I knew it wasn’t what was missing either.  He then brought my constant prayers to my attention, the ones for my family, friends and church.  Do you want the ones you love to always be safe?  And  this one sounded the most appealing.  I especially want my children to live a long safe life but I was left feeling that this isn’t quite it either.

I thought long and hard about this and since I already have a relationship with God, I knew it wasn’t God missing from my life.  What is it that I keep wanting, but don’t quite have that I can’t put my finger on?  What is it that I know I once had but now in its absence I can’t  figure out what it is? 

Then my answer came but It came as a question, I said “Faithfulness?”

It didn’t seem that could be it.  Faithfulness?  I have faith!  I know Jesus died on the cross for my sins and I know I am going to heaven.  I read my Bible and go to church and try to do the right thing.  Why would faithfulness be what I am lacking? 

Then the flashbacks came from this entire year.  The huge disappointments, the betrayals, the way life has taken us in a direction we never thought it would take.  The hurt and the pain that has drove us to want to take things into our own hands.  The gratefulness for their being a safe place to fall but the resentment of our other plans not working out.  All of these things pointed to not being faithful to God’s ultimate plan.  That the hurt and the pain had to happen to drag us to where God wanted us to be.  We wouldn’t have left on our own and so God had to hand deliver us.  The emphasis for us the past several months has been on what God has taken from us but God is showing us He has given us more than He took away. 

So now I know what I want out of life.  I want faithfulness.  I want to be faithful to God.  I want to do His will not my own.  I want to feel his faithfulness each day.  As a by-product of this faithfulness, I will find joy, there will be days of happiness, and by faith I know God will provide for our family what we need and that He will provide safety.  I know by faith He has every detail of our life already planned out.  I know all of this because I have lived all of this.  I have had faith through everything although it was just a mustard seed.  It took faith to keep moving through the pain.  I never lost my faith but faithfulness  is much deeper.  Faith is knowing what the Bible says and finding hope in a scripture. Faithfulness is believing it and living it out in our life. Faithfulness is full surrender to His word and to His will not just knowing His Word and praying for His will. Somewhere through the journey I held tight to my faith but lost my faithfulness.  I would have never figured this out on my own.  God saved me from myself once again!  

The Broken Glass

This weekend my kids were playing with a balloon at their Gigi's house.  I told them to stop and they both set down but my daughter continued to throw the balloon up within her grasp but behind her was a large glass vase that she inadvertenly tipped over when playing with the balloon and the vase shattered.   My reaction was that I had JUST told her not to play with the balloon, yet she still did so and she broke something that didn't belong to us.  So I did raise my voice and was not to happy with her.  

Then tonight we had just finished watching a movie together and I was doing laundry and checking email when I heard a crash.  I yelled, "What have you broken?" from the office and I was pretty upset to find a softball went through one of the glass panes in the door!  I was pretty upset and began the questioning and the "How could you throw a real softball in the house?" And somewhere in it all, I stopped. I looked at my kids and saw true repentance in their eyes along with great fear of what was to happen next.  God was showing me there was a better way to handle this and so instead of picking up the glass, I told the kids to have a seat on the couch.  I came back to the office to collect my thoughts before going to the bedroom to bring in my Bible.  I set between the kids and asked them if they knew how many times the Bible talked about Obedience. We then counted in the back of the Bible the scriptures listed that talked about obeying and there was 81 scriptures!  We decided obeying must be pretty important to be talked about that many times.  We read Ephesians   6:1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 "Honor your father and mother"--which is the first commandment with a promise-- 3 "that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth."  We talked about why this commandment came with a promise and why it's important to listen to your parents and when we were done the kids offered to pay for the window, told me they should go to bed for the night, and listed several punishments they believed fit the crime. I never once mentioned any consequences for their actions, they did.

I realized as I tucked them both into bed how much they matured and I realized there was a lasting change in them but more importantly a lasting change in me.  On Sunday, all I did was make my daughter feel bad for what she had done and by her actions today it was clear she learned nothing from it but tonight with a different attitude, I got much different results. Tonight she wasn't sorry for breaking the glass, she was sorry for a long line of defiance that led to breaking the glass.  There's a big difference between the two. And my son hadn't thrown the ball but he stood by his sister and owned up to his part in it and wanted to pay half for the window.  Neither one of them tried to blame the other.  They had each others back.

True repentance isn't just about being sorry for what you have done or caused, it's being sorry for everything that has led you down that path where the wrong choice was made.   My daughter may have shattered the glass in the door, but the disobedience she has been encased in also cracked.  We decided that studying all 81 scriptures of obedience is something we should begin doing each day to shatter the disobedient tendencies. It may be a small setback since the house is on the market to sell but it was a step-up in seeing how we all handled the situation.

"It's Something We Are Praying About!"

We are moving as coaching families do and my son was asked what the mascot was for our new school.  My son looked down and sheepishly said, "They are the Demons but it's something we are praying about."  And it is. None of us like the Demon mascot.  We don't say the "Demon" part in our house and I've even considered not buying any shirts with the mascot on it and plan on wearing a cross necklace to all the games!  Some may think it's just a mascot but for a coaching family it can certainly turn into more than that.

So like my son said, "It's something we are praying about!" And in my prayers, God has been showing me areas in my life where I am off-balanced.  I've been spending more time in the word and listening to sermons online to get my balance back.  I've started a diet to lose weight to get my eating habits back in balance.  I've started changing my attitude about somethings and try to lighten up a little more with the kids.  I had no idea all of this was stemming from praying about our "demon" problem but then out of nowhere God showed me it was related. He showed me our family tends to get out of balance with a lot of things and one of those is football.  Football becomes an idol to us at times.  Every coaching family knows that when a sports season starts things change and are different but there is an extreme to the time, the effort, and the importance the entire family puts into it and our family for the past several years have lived in the extreme.  God has placed my husband to coach the Demons to serve as a very visible reminder of what is truly important to us and so that we don't allow the Demons to become an idol in our family and put us on watch so that we can guard our heart against it.  If we were the Eagles, Lions, Bears, Bulls, or Thunder it wouldn't get our attention like this does and the team could certainly once again become an idol in our life. But because it's the "Demons" and it makes me cringe it puts the decision front and center of who are we putting first, God or our team the Demons.  

Our family never tosses God out of our lives but we don't always put Him first.  We still go to church during the football season, pray, read the Bible, serve at church, and can look like God is #1 by all of things we do and even say but our time, our efforts and our heart can belong to the team. The AP polls could say God is our #1 but God can take the poll of our heart and see that He doesn't always hold that #1 spot.  So as God calls us to go where the "Demons" are I can see His guiding hand.  After all even the demons believe their is one God (James 2:19). It will be up to us to show our Demons it's not enough to believe there is a God but to show our faith through our works of God being first in our life and in heart and from there everything else will flow.     

Hypocrites

From what I gather, the biggest reason some people don’t go to church, don't become active in organized religion, and/or don’t believe in God is because of their view that all Christians are hypocrites.  I don’t know why people are so shocked that Christians are hypocrites or why Christians are shocked when they are called a hypocrite.  The truth is we are all hypocrites!  At some point in our life we say one thing and do another.   The definition of a hypocrite is "a person who claims or pretends to have certain beliefs about what is right but who behaves in a way that disagrees with those beliefs."

Paul went on to say in Romans 7:5" I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.”  Paul struggled with this as well as everyone who has ever walked on this Earth.  Jesus was nailed to the cross because some people did not believe He was who he said he was because they didn’t believe that he would do work on the Sabbath if he was truly the Son of God. He was accused of being a hypocrite for saying who He was, but did not abide by the man made rules they believed governed what was right and holy. So everyone who has ever walked this Earth has been accused of being a hypocrite.  Jesus is the only one that wasn't a hypocrite but suffered as if he was.  

As a Christian, I beat myself up mostly about my hypocrite ways.  I can be so close to God that I hear Him so clearly and He gives me great insight into my life and I know exactly what I need to do and it is laid out in front of me and chances are that within 24 hrs of hearing from God, I will at some point in the day have done exactly what I wasn’t going to do and will have gone against the very thing I knew was the right thing for me to do. I totally get Paul.  I totally understand his confusion.  I don’t know how I can be so close to God in one moment and be so stupid the next to go against what I know is right.  The disciples went through the same thing.  Several times they proclaimed they knew Jesus was the Son of Man.  They saw His miracles and saw Him walk on water.  There was no denying it yet they continued to deny him.  They still had moments of disbelief and even Simon Peter who had said for certain that He would never deny Jesus, ended up doing the very thing he swore he wouldn’t do and then stood in disbelief of what he had done.

So yes churches are full of hypocrites, just like your job, school, circle of friends,  and your family are full of them too.  The Bible that churches use as their resource for teaching is full of illustrations of hypocrites so what do you expect.  A Christian life isn’t a perfect one but it is a forgiven one.  My imperfections, my hypocrite ways, my mistakes are all forgiven when I repent to God.

 So yes there are plenty of times you may read something from my blog and then encounter me in the real world and can’t believe how different what I write and how I behave can be.  I’m aware of it.  I do have hope because my heart does know what is right and it does know what needs to change.  It’s a struggle Paul knew all to well and one that I don’t understand either.  But each day I ask for forgiveness and try to do better the next . It’s all I can do.  As the late Maya Angelou put it, she could never believe someone would come to her and say “I am a Christian.”  Her response was always, “Really so soon.” Because to her it was a life long process to become a Christian and one that may not end until one is in heaven. I understand that view point more and more each day as I try to follow Christ through this life. I am not perfect.  I choose to aspire to live my life for Jesus but I will stumble and I will fall and yes it does make me a hypocrite.  I'll proudly take the claim of being a hypocrite because it means I do know God's Word and I do know what is right.  No one but Jesus could possibly live the Bible out and never make a mistake.  So while I go through this life following Christ, maybe Maya Angelou is right and I don't deserve the title of a Christian as it is a life-long endeavor but I certaintly do deserve the title of a Hypocrite.  I would rather know God's truth and fail daily living out the truth than to never know God and make up my own truths as I go through this life.  

Jesus's Life

 I've been thinking a lot about Jesus's life.  Jesus was a sinless man, yet he still encountered trying times.  There are many times I just scream out to God, "Why us God?" Why is it although we are trying  to do right and we are trying to be fully devoted followers of Christ and we try to follow His will but yet we are still ridiculed, overlooked, betrayed and hurt.  Why is it that it feels at times we can't catch a break?  Then my thoughts turn to Jesus.

 Jesus didn't have a lot of money growing up.  He wasn't born in a palace but rather in a barn.  His parents weren't executives or big time celebrities but rather a carpenter and a stay at home mom.  He didn't have the best money could buy but He was better than anything money could buy.  He grew up and began his career turning water into wine.  He started getting 12 guys together and they went around teaching about God.  He’d often stop to heal the sick, to play with children, talk to the down-trodden, give sinners hope, walk on water, calm storms and waves, make enough food to feed multitudes out of a few loaves of bread and some fish,  and even brought the dead back to life.  There are many reasons to see Jesus was pretty cool.

But ultimately his passion led to his pain.  Proclaiming who His father was, lead those who knew Him to betray Him.  The High Priests and the Pharisees believed Jesus to be blasphemous and couldn't be the Son of God.   Their disbelief of Jesus’s claim caused others to believe them and somehow this wrong way of thinking entered into Jesus’s disciples.  First it came from Judas, who plotted with the high priests and captains for Jesus’s capture.  Then slowly as things began to unravel even Simon Peter began to deny Christ even though He had promised He would never do such a thing.  

In Jesus’s final days He was ridiculed, overlooked, betrayed and hurt.  He didn't deserve any of the treatment He received yet it was all in God’s Will and all in God’s Plan for Him to go through this. So if Jesus who was the only sinless man to ever live, went through that kind of treatment and pain why do  we question when we are going through it ourselves?  It ultimately is God’s will.  Perhaps the key to understanding how to handle our problems lies in the Garden of Gethsemane where Jesus went to pray. Luke 22:40-44  Knowing what was to come, He sought His Father And he withdrew from them about a stone’s throw, and ^vknelt down and prayed, ⁴² saying, ^w“Father, if you are willing, remove ^xthis cup from me. ^yNevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done.” ⁴³ And there appeared to him ^zan angel from heaven, strengthening him. ⁴⁴ And ^wbeing in an agony he prayed more earnestly; and his sweat became like great drops of blood falling down to the ground.

Jesus may have been without sin but he still felt pain and anguish.  The only way to find comfort and strength was to pray.  He did ask for the pain to go away but He ultimately asked for His will to be done and not his own!  That is what each of us must do when we face the things in life that just don’t seem fair.  And because God sent Jesus  to walk among us in flesh, it meant Jesus too would have to endure the things of life each of us go through.  The cross was not just about Jesus dying for our sins so that we could have eternal life but it was also for God  to send the Great Counselor (The Holy Spirit) and to be the one we turn too when this world doesn’t seem fair.  Jesus knows how to navigate through this messy world and He is there for us!  He died for us after sweating blood fighting his own will for God’s will to be done.  Perhaps when we find ourselves struggling with God’s will we need to keep praying until we sweat blood if that’s what needs to happen! 

However, recently I tried to pray this fervently and I ended up falling asleep just as the disciples did !Luke  22:45  When he rose from prayer and went back to the disciples, he found them asleep, exhausted from sorrow. 46 “Why are you sleeping?” he asked them. “Get up and pray so that you will not fall into temptation.".  As hard as I tried, I fell asleep just like the disciples.  My sorrows exhausted me.  I am falling into the temptation of wanting my will to be done and not God's.  My first reaction when I woke up was disappointment in myself  but then I remember even the disciples failed in this and the best that I can do is to keep praying and know that although I may not accept it at first, it will be God's will and not mine that will be done. A hard pill to swallow at times when you realize the desires of your heart may turn again into hope deferred. 

               

5 Things Tennis Taught Me About The Christian Life. . .

     1.  The one you serve to is the one who decides what is permissible and what is not.  In junior high and high school tennis there are no officials.  The one you serve too determines if the ball is in or out.  Just like in life, who you serve determines your belief about what is right and what is wrong.  If you are serving to the world and bowing down to its standards more things are permissible and are “in” for you to do.  But if you are serving God then the calls are made tighter and the things that are riding the line are called “out” for your benefit.   

2.        Love -  In Tennis everyone starts out 0-0 which 0 in tennis is called “Love”.  We all start out with love but the score changes with the serve.  In life we also start out with love in this world but unforgiveness,  hardness of heart,  and the circumstances we are served can take our love away but our love can also grow through service to others,  forgiveness, and a heart for God.  With each moment you either serve God or the world with your love

3.        Serving and Being Served -   In tennis to be successful you have to know how to serve and how to return the serve.  In life, you have to know how to serve God and how to serve those around you but you also have to know how to accept others service.  I know a lot of people who are incredible at serving others but when others try to help them by returning the favor they become uncomfortable with it.  We have to learn how to serve others and how to accept the blessings of others serving us.

4.       . You can lose some battles but still win the war.  In tennis you can be down 0-5 in a set and rally back to win but to do that you have to let go of your mistakes and keep a positive attitude that you can do this.  Just like in life, you will make mistakes but you can’t let your mistakes negatively impact your present or your future.  You have to shake it off and keep battling back to win in life.  If you are a christian you know ultimate victory comes when you reach Heaven!  You'll lose some battles here but you will ultimately find victory!

5.        Tennis Etiquette -  It’s customary for fans and coaches to be quiet through a match.  While a player is serving and throughout the point it is so quiet.  Tennis demonstrates how important having quiet times are in life.  Times where you only hear your own thoughts.  Times when if one person is talking to you that you clearly can hear them without any outside noise.  Tennis demonstrates how to keep boundaries in place in order to keep things calm and quiet.  In life taking the time to be quiet so that you can clearly hear from Him is of the utmost importance.

In The Same Boat

^{Mark 8: 16}  They discussed this with one another and said, “It is because we have no bread.”

¹⁷ Aware of their discussion, Jesus asked them: “Why are you talking about having no bread? Do you still not see or understand? Are your hearts hardened? ¹⁸ Do you have eyes but fail to see, and ears but fail to hear? And don’t you remember? ¹⁹ When I broke the five loaves for the five thousand, how many basketfuls of pieces did you pick up?”

“Twelve,” they replied.

²⁰ “And when I broke the seven loaves for the four thousand, how many basketfuls of pieces did you pick up?”

They answered, “Seven.”  ²¹ He said to them, “Do you still not understand?”

Reading how the disciples had not long ago witnessed Jesus take a few loaves of bread and broke them into pieces to feed 5,000 and 4,000 people, and now they are in a boat with Jesus and now they all forgot their lunch pail and are all grumbling over food.  Can you imagine already forgetting what Jesus had done and knowing He can and has provided for you before?

Well it’s exactly what I do many times a day and I bet you do too!  We forget what God has already done and let our set of circumstances define the situation.

• We see how our kids are struggling in school but forget about how God delivered the same child out of shyness to become an outgoing child.
• We see how sick a parent is and feel the overwhelming circumstances of it all but forget about how God showed up big time and saw us through the last time.
• We see how we are both out of jobs and unsure of our future and forget about the time God provided for us through a full year of unemployment!
• We see how impossible every thing looks but forget how all things are possible through Christ! 

 As the many times God has provided for me floods my mind, I still go back to my problems and that's when God hits me upside the head and He says, “Hello, do you still not understand?  Don’t you get it yet!  It’s going to be just fine! I got this! Just like every other time! Understand!”  and then in that instance my heart begins to melt. 

Our hearts can get hardened by our circumstances.  Anytime what we are going through is more of the focus than God our hearts begin to turn to stone.   That’s why it is important to come to God with all of our problems first.  The disciples had Jesus right there and all they had to do was ask him what they should do about not having any lunch.  Jesus was in the SAME BOAT as they were and they let their circumstances be the main focus and not Jesus and there are plenty of times we all do the same thing!  Jesus is in the SAME BOAT we are in each and everyday.  Look to him for answers  and keep the focus there!  

Spiritual Suicide

 At this critical time in my life, I have no hopes, no dreams, no ideas of what we should do or where we should go.  In January, I told my husband that this must be what happens right before you die.  Proverbs 29:18 "Where there is no vision, the people will perish." I lost my chazown (Hebrew word for vision).  I clearly had none.  I don't want to stay here but I don't want to leave.  I don't want to teach anymore but I don't want to quit teaching either.  Nothing added up in my life and I had no vision to see what was next in our life.  I normally research out every job my coaching husband applies for.  I usually have a home picked out, a church in mind, and even ideas of what local restaurants the kids and I will go to before games.  I usually have all of this done before he even sends out his resume.  All it takes, is for him to show interest in a job and I have a full blown plan made so that if we do end up going there, we have a plan!   But not this time.  I have no interest in leaving and no interest in going somewhere.  I was sure this meant I would die soon.

Then on February 1st, we went to a FCA Coaches Retreat.  I was sitting there that Saturday morning listening to the ladies speaker.  Something she said triggered me to think about my situation.  So I asked God this, "Why is it that I have no plans for my future?  Why is it that I can't see past this day and because of my lack of vision am I going to die soon?"  God spoke to me right there in that room with all of these other coaches wives and said this:  "You are attempting spiritual suicide by taking your life into your own hands rather than giving and keeping your life in my hands.  I am intervening and you will wait upon me this time and fully trust me to guide you."  

Spiritual Suicide!  I had never heard of that before!  But I was taking my own life in my hands each day in the spiritual sense. I started thinking back on my life and realized how many spiritual suicide attempts I have made!  My attempts over my life time have ranged from making my own plans in life thinking I know better than God to knocking and trying to beat down doors God has closed that He doesn't want me in. Thankfully, each time I became spiritually suicidal, God showed me that I was wrong and to trust Him completely

Walking through life now each day feels like I have amnesia of my future. I have no recollection of exactly what my hopes for our future are until someone says something and it triggers me remembering that at one time that was my hope!  When I think of my future all I see is white, a clean slate waiting to have information imprinted upon it.  I have had no preferences of where life will take us but each day He is slowly bringing about desires in my heart.  Desires of hope that have been previously deferred but rather than jumping on those desires, I choose to sit back and watch God unfold His plan perfectly.    Jeremiah 29:11   "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  

Each day I have to remind myself that I don't have to know the plan.  My knowledge  of a plan has nothing to do with my destiny but I certainly have impatient moments when I just want the answers to come, the plan revealed and to be on the other side of this mountain in our life.  But I take comfort in knowing that God's timing is better than mine.  God's plan is better than mine and if I am truly serving Him, the first thing I must serve is my life up to Him and not take it back.  

Hope Deferred

Proverbs 13:12 Hope deferred makes the heart sick but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life.



The word "hope" means to want something to happen.
The word "deferred " means to postpone.
The term "heart sick" means to be depressed.




So basically, "Wanting something to happen that is being postponed will make you depressed."

How true that is!  Our family is at a time where we are heart sick.   Our dreams are on hold.  We still have faith (definition: complete trust) that our dreams will be fulfilled in time but in the mean time we find ourselves depressed.



I always thought it was interesting that it is worded as "Hope deferred".  It's not "hope denied", or "Changed hope".   It simply means when our hope is postponed, delayed, yet to come, that we become depressed, sorrowful and sad.  Right now, I find solace in finding proof in the Bible that its OK for us to feel like we do right now.  It doesn't mean we are weak in faith to not be "joyful in trials of many kinds" through every minute of our circumstances.  We certainly have had our moments where our joy transcends all circumstances and we do have a peace within us but at the same time we are heart sick and that is OK.



I find tremendous hope in the second part of this verse!  "But a dream fulfilled is a tree of life"

The word "dream" means to contemplate the possibility of doing something.
The word "fulfilled" means to "be happy in developing one's abilities or character fully.
The term "tree of life" means "a source of eternal life and blessings"



So basically, "When the possibility of doing something is finally developed into reality it's an incredible blessing!"



Right now my Hope holds on to the possibility of something finally developing into a reality and being such a blessing to our family!    I am looking forward to the day that our present situation moves into the realm of the past and our future is finally our present!  But until then, I'll continue teetering on the line of being joyful in affliction and being heart sick without feeling like I must be weak in faith to feel both sides of it! I'll continue to wait for the fulfilled dream and seek God's guidance through this unknown time and hold onto this as well,  Psalm 37:4 "Take delight in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart."

 

One More. . .

I am a teacher at a high school and only saw 3 parents in 4 hours at  Parent Teacher Conferences.  During that time, my mind kept going back to a list of “One more’s”.  Bitter about how things are turning out right now, my list of “One more’s” kept growing.   When I got in the car to go home with my husband, I said,

 “I know God is trying to speak to me through this.

 All I thought about all day was what if we had “one more” year. 

What if I could stay and teach one more year.

 What if they had given you one more year to coach this team since we both know they are right there to take that next step.

 If we had just one more year your mom would be done with chemo and her stem cell transplant and would be in better health to move.

Everything we are going through points to us just needing one more year!

I know God is trying to tell me something through this but I don’t know quite what it is yet. ”

Now driving down the road, after listening to my “One More” list, he joined in with His list,

“You are right everything does point to One More.

If we’d have had one more point our last home game, we’d have made the play-offs.

If we’d have had one more win, they wouldn’t have fired me.

If we’d have had one more year, we’d have turned this team around.

If they’d have let you stay and teach one more year, I’d be able to commute to a new job.

If we had one more year, my mom would be better health wise.”

Then there was a pause.  Then my husband said,

“He’s trying to say it’s not ONE MORE thing we need but more of the ONE that we need.”

It hit us like a ton of bricks. 

Our circumstances have had us asking administration why not give us One More year but our God says you don’t need One more year here, you need more of the One.  We need more trust in him that

1.       This is exactly where God placed us and now He is about to reassign us.  It wasn’t a mistake to come but it was” Histake” on what needed to happen here not ours that we were here to fulfill.  We didn’t fail at His purpose.

2.       He has seen our struggles here and seen who we are up against and he wants to set us free from it and put us in a place where we can accomplish what He has put in our hearts to do.   Our disappointments are "Hisappointments"to reassign us to where we go next in life. 

3.       He will heal us and has the details all worked out.  He is just waiting for our hearts to heal to reveal the next step.

4.       He is using this time where we find ourselves, uncomfortable, unappreciated, jobless for next year, no hope for our future, broken, humbled, inadequate to care for his mom through a move,  to show His Greatness by taking care of us through it all.

5.       He is not showing us what we lack in our faithfulness or using this as punishment but showing us that our faithfulness is taking us to a new level  and when we come through this time in our life that not only will we not doubt His faithfulness to us but others will also know His faithfulness through what He has done for us!  We need more of the One to get to this level! 

We just need more of the ONE to get through it all!  Thank you God for revealing these truths to us!  I know we have difficult days ahead but ultimately know you will deliver us as we seek more of the ONE!