At this critical time in my life, I have no hopes, no dreams, no ideas of what we should do or where we should go. In January, I told my husband that this must be what happens right before you die. Proverbs 29:18 "Where there is no vision, the people will perish." I lost my chazown (Hebrew word for vision). I clearly had none. I don't want to stay here but I don't want to leave. I don't want to teach anymore but I don't want to quit teaching either. Nothing added up in my life and I had no vision to see what was next in our life. I normally research out every job my coaching husband applies for. I usually have a home picked out, a church in mind, and even ideas of what local restaurants the kids and I will go to before games. I usually have all of this done before he even sends out his resume. All it takes, is for him to show interest in a job and I have a full blown plan made so that if we do end up going there, we have a plan! But not this time. I have no interest in leaving and no interest in going somewhere. I was sure this meant I would die soon.
Then on February 1st, we went to a FCA Coaches Retreat. I was sitting there that Saturday morning listening to the ladies speaker. Something she said triggered me to think about my situation. So I asked God this, "Why is it that I have no plans for my future? Why is it that I can't see past this day and because of my lack of vision am I going to die soon?" God spoke to me right there in that room with all of these other coaches wives and said this: "You are attempting spiritual suicide by taking your life into your own hands rather than giving and keeping your life in my hands. I am intervening and you will wait upon me this time and fully trust me to guide you."
Spiritual Suicide! I had never heard of that before! But I was taking my own life in my hands each day in the spiritual sense. I started thinking back on my life and realized how many spiritual suicide attempts I have made! My attempts over my life time have ranged from making my own plans in life thinking I know better than God to knocking and trying to beat down doors God has closed that He doesn't want me in. Thankfully, each time I became spiritually suicidal, God showed me that I was wrong and to trust Him completely
Walking through life now each day feels like I have amnesia of my future. I have no recollection of exactly what my hopes for our future are until someone says something and it triggers me remembering that at one time that was my hope! When I think of my future all I see is white, a clean slate waiting to have information imprinted upon it. I have had no preferences of where life will take us but each day He is slowly bringing about desires in my heart. Desires of hope that have been previously deferred but rather than jumping on those desires, I choose to sit back and watch God unfold His plan perfectly. Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Each day I have to remind myself that I don't have to know the plan. My knowledge of a plan has nothing to do with my destiny but I certainly have impatient moments when I just want the answers to come, the plan revealed and to be on the other side of this mountain in our life. But I take comfort in knowing that God's timing is better than mine. God's plan is better than mine and if I am truly serving Him, the first thing I must serve is my life up to Him and not take it back.
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