Spiritual Suicide

 At this critical time in my life, I have no hopes, no dreams, no ideas of what we should do or where we should go.  In January, I told my husband that this must be what happens right before you die.  Proverbs 29:18 "Where there is no vision, the people will perish." I lost my chazown (Hebrew word for vision).  I clearly had none.  I don't want to stay here but I don't want to leave.  I don't want to teach anymore but I don't want to quit teaching either.  Nothing added up in my life and I had no vision to see what was next in our life.  I normally research out every job my coaching husband applies for.  I usually have a home picked out, a church in mind, and even ideas of what local restaurants the kids and I will go to before games.  I usually have all of this done before he even sends out his resume.  All it takes, is for him to show interest in a job and I have a full blown plan made so that if we do end up going there, we have a plan!   But not this time.  I have no interest in leaving and no interest in going somewhere.  I was sure this meant I would die soon.

Then on February 1st, we went to a FCA Coaches Retreat.  I was sitting there that Saturday morning listening to the ladies speaker.  Something she said triggered me to think about my situation.  So I asked God this, "Why is it that I have no plans for my future?  Why is it that I can't see past this day and because of my lack of vision am I going to die soon?"  God spoke to me right there in that room with all of these other coaches wives and said this:  "You are attempting spiritual suicide by taking your life into your own hands rather than giving and keeping your life in my hands.  I am intervening and you will wait upon me this time and fully trust me to guide you."  

Spiritual Suicide!  I had never heard of that before!  But I was taking my own life in my hands each day in the spiritual sense. I started thinking back on my life and realized how many spiritual suicide attempts I have made!  My attempts over my life time have ranged from making my own plans in life thinking I know better than God to knocking and trying to beat down doors God has closed that He doesn't want me in. Thankfully, each time I became spiritually suicidal, God showed me that I was wrong and to trust Him completely

Walking through life now each day feels like I have amnesia of my future. I have no recollection of exactly what my hopes for our future are until someone says something and it triggers me remembering that at one time that was my hope!  When I think of my future all I see is white, a clean slate waiting to have information imprinted upon it.  I have had no preferences of where life will take us but each day He is slowly bringing about desires in my heart.  Desires of hope that have been previously deferred but rather than jumping on those desires, I choose to sit back and watch God unfold His plan perfectly.    Jeremiah 29:11   "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  

Each day I have to remind myself that I don't have to know the plan.  My knowledge  of a plan has nothing to do with my destiny but I certainly have impatient moments when I just want the answers to come, the plan revealed and to be on the other side of this mountain in our life.  But I take comfort in knowing that God's timing is better than mine.  God's plan is better than mine and if I am truly serving Him, the first thing I must serve is my life up to Him and not take it back.  

Hope Deferred

Proverbs 13:12 Hope deferred makes the heart sick but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life.



The word "hope" means to want something to happen.
The word "deferred " means to postpone.
The term "heart sick" means to be depressed.




So basically, "Wanting something to happen that is being postponed will make you depressed."

How true that is!  Our family is at a time where we are heart sick.   Our dreams are on hold.  We still have faith (definition: complete trust) that our dreams will be fulfilled in time but in the mean time we find ourselves depressed.



I always thought it was interesting that it is worded as "Hope deferred".  It's not "hope denied", or "Changed hope".   It simply means when our hope is postponed, delayed, yet to come, that we become depressed, sorrowful and sad.  Right now, I find solace in finding proof in the Bible that its OK for us to feel like we do right now.  It doesn't mean we are weak in faith to not be "joyful in trials of many kinds" through every minute of our circumstances.  We certainly have had our moments where our joy transcends all circumstances and we do have a peace within us but at the same time we are heart sick and that is OK.



I find tremendous hope in the second part of this verse!  "But a dream fulfilled is a tree of life"

The word "dream" means to contemplate the possibility of doing something.
The word "fulfilled" means to "be happy in developing one's abilities or character fully.
The term "tree of life" means "a source of eternal life and blessings"



So basically, "When the possibility of doing something is finally developed into reality it's an incredible blessing!"



Right now my Hope holds on to the possibility of something finally developing into a reality and being such a blessing to our family!    I am looking forward to the day that our present situation moves into the realm of the past and our future is finally our present!  But until then, I'll continue teetering on the line of being joyful in affliction and being heart sick without feeling like I must be weak in faith to feel both sides of it! I'll continue to wait for the fulfilled dream and seek God's guidance through this unknown time and hold onto this as well,  Psalm 37:4 "Take delight in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart."

 

One More. . .

I am a teacher at a high school and only saw 3 parents in 4 hours at  Parent Teacher Conferences.  During that time, my mind kept going back to a list of “One more’s”.  Bitter about how things are turning out right now, my list of “One more’s” kept growing.   When I got in the car to go home with my husband, I said,

 “I know God is trying to speak to me through this.

 All I thought about all day was what if we had “one more” year. 

What if I could stay and teach one more year.

 What if they had given you one more year to coach this team since we both know they are right there to take that next step.

 If we had just one more year your mom would be done with chemo and her stem cell transplant and would be in better health to move.

Everything we are going through points to us just needing one more year!

I know God is trying to tell me something through this but I don’t know quite what it is yet. ”

Now driving down the road, after listening to my “One More” list, he joined in with His list,

“You are right everything does point to One More.

If we’d have had one more point our last home game, we’d have made the play-offs.

If we’d have had one more win, they wouldn’t have fired me.

If we’d have had one more year, we’d have turned this team around.

If they’d have let you stay and teach one more year, I’d be able to commute to a new job.

If we had one more year, my mom would be better health wise.”

Then there was a pause.  Then my husband said,

“He’s trying to say it’s not ONE MORE thing we need but more of the ONE that we need.”

It hit us like a ton of bricks. 

Our circumstances have had us asking administration why not give us One More year but our God says you don’t need One more year here, you need more of the One.  We need more trust in him that

1.       This is exactly where God placed us and now He is about to reassign us.  It wasn’t a mistake to come but it was” Histake” on what needed to happen here not ours that we were here to fulfill.  We didn’t fail at His purpose.

2.       He has seen our struggles here and seen who we are up against and he wants to set us free from it and put us in a place where we can accomplish what He has put in our hearts to do.   Our disappointments are "Hisappointments"to reassign us to where we go next in life. 

3.       He will heal us and has the details all worked out.  He is just waiting for our hearts to heal to reveal the next step.

4.       He is using this time where we find ourselves, uncomfortable, unappreciated, jobless for next year, no hope for our future, broken, humbled, inadequate to care for his mom through a move,  to show His Greatness by taking care of us through it all.

5.       He is not showing us what we lack in our faithfulness or using this as punishment but showing us that our faithfulness is taking us to a new level  and when we come through this time in our life that not only will we not doubt His faithfulness to us but others will also know His faithfulness through what He has done for us!  We need more of the One to get to this level! 

We just need more of the ONE to get through it all!  Thank you God for revealing these truths to us!  I know we have difficult days ahead but ultimately know you will deliver us as we seek more of the ONE!  

A Christmas Poem

A Christmas Poem

by Kim Stone

Jesus didn't have a glamorous way of coming to save our life

I’m sure it was a shock to be in a barn for Joseph and his wife.

I mean here they had been told the savior would be born unto them

Then I’m sure Joseph felt like a complete failure not getting  them into the inn

Jesus came into this world by being birthed in an animal shed

He was placed in a manager to be used as his bed

I’m sure God’s plan was not what they had wanted or thought they deserved

If anyone deserved a great entry to the world, it was the one that Mary had birthed

The strain of being the chosen one to be Jesus’s mother

Also came with the question of will “Joseph still love her”

Her story was incredible to say the least

Not many would believe her not even most preists

So she had to go through the pain of telling Joseph about the child

I can only imagine that his reaction was just a bit overboard and wild

But then an angel appeared to him and began to tell him the exact same story

Then he knew he’d better grow up to be the earthly father of the man of Glory

But 9 months later they found themselves among the hay

Staring in a manger at Jesus where he lay

It wasn't the greatest of situations for the Son of God to be born

But there’s a lesson here for us all that we must not scorn

On this day that Jesus was born it is now known as  what we call  Christmas Day

It wasn't about  being in a nice inn it was about the presence of Jesus where he lay

It wasn't about having the best circumstances

It was about experiencing the love of his presence.

It wasn't about being comfortable as much as it was about feeling pure joy

As they imagined a wonderful life for the son of God also known as their little boy

But soon if the humble beginnings of Jesus was not sign enough

They would be shown again, his life would be more than rough

Evil found out about God’s wonderful plan

And evil sought out a truly awful man

King Herod obliged with a plan against Jesus to seek and destroy

He would not allow a child, a baby, the Messiah to bring this world joy

But God did not allow Jesus to be put in harms way

He did not allow evil to have the final say

Jesus’s family  knew who this young boy would be

But raised him just as a part of the family

Of course there were signs and as he grew up it was undeniable

That the angels spoke truth and proved to be reliable

And as Jesus began his ministry when his mother asked him to turn water into wine

I doubted she realized her request started the process of God’s plan so divine

That her request so simple would be the start of miracles and revealing her son’s identity

But also starting the intense hate, pain, and betrayal of her son the deity.

Jesus deserved more respect, love and riches more than anyone on this Earth

But instead he was ridiculed, hated,  and lacked money since the day of his Birth

So the question I ask is simple but yet so profound to others and to me

Why do we feel we are entitled to a life without pain and without uncertainty

You see Jesus was the only perfect man who walked among us

But even he couldn't escape pain,  drama and all the ruckus

So as we stand as Christians and ask why do bad things happen to me?

Look at the cross, the pain experienced gave way to love that had to be

Jesus had no sin but was treated worse than a sinner

So in our sin, he died for it to make us an ultimate winner

But the prize is not here for us on Earth to see

It will come after we live a life for Him completely

It means to follow Jesus, on this Earth we will also be tried

And at times we will go through times of being unjustly denied

But our hearts know the peace and comfort Joseph and Mary had the day Jesus was born in that shed

 And with that we can face all circumstances with joy in our heart through all the paths we tread

Then on that glorious day when we meet Jesus in heaven above

The pain will melt away and give way to His perfect love

So please don’t get discouraged when things don’t feel that they are going right

Jesus walked through it all and now walks with us and is our leading light

There is something more valuable than having it all

Don’t believe me than please read the scriptures of Paul

He knew the meaning of following God and finding pure joy

He also knew what it was like to seek and destroy

He had lived a life on both sides of the fence

Until he found God and it all made sense

So please look deeper to see Jesus’s entire life this Christmas season

For the problems you question you may just find out His reason

But even if you still can’t see God’s plan working through your pain

I hope you at least see your sins are blotted out and no longer leave a stain

Find Jesus and open your heart to his truths and love

Then in time you’ll find your answers from above.

So this Christmas season I hope you find joy in even the worst of circumstances

And come to find there is more than just family, food, gifts and presents

I pray you find His perfect peace and His joy in your heart

And I wish this to carry you through the New Year that’s about to start.

Merry Christmas and A Happy New Year! 

Win or Lose - Do it Fairly

1 Thessalonians 5:17-18 (The Message Bible) pray all the time; thank God no matter what happens. This is the way God wants you who belong to Christ Jesus to live. 

OU/Texas game made me wonder this. Why is it when teams lose the fans/media blame the coach but when they win they credit the players for big-time performances? I've never seen the coach named MVP of the game in a win but in a loss he takes all the blame.  It's a lot like how many people have a relationship with God!  They blame the big coach (God) when things go wrong but take all the credit for themselves when things go right.

Knute Rockne once said, "Win or Lose, Do it fairly."  I challenge all of us to not look to God when things are going bad and putting the blame there.  I challenge us to look at ourselves and see where we can improve and see where our relationship is with God and thank Him for this reality check.   Chances are He is using the experience to get your attention to make you better.  And in those times in our life where the blessings are falling all around us, give God the glory for it.  Don't get wrapped up in the excitement of the moment and feel that it is something you "deserved" or something you worked for .  Don't take God's favor in your life for granted.  Praise Him during the triumphs too!

Bottom line Praise God through it all!  Win OR Lose, Do it fairly!

The Rope of Hope

The Rope of Hope written by me is about when Christians come to the "end of the rope" and question God's timing but at the same time not giving up hope. Please watch it until the end. 

Character

My last post all the way in December was about my daughter and what she showed me about Christmas.  Today I wanted to share with you what my son has shown me about Character.

I have watched my son grow throughout the years. At 3 years old he was so shy that he wouldn't play "blast ball"  (tee-ball for 3yr olds) without his dad standing next to him in the outfield and when he was up to bat. At 4, he wouldn't quit crying and refused to get on the soccer field and never played in a game. We started talking to him then about character, what pleases God, and being a part of a team. At 5, he started playing basketball and practiced great with his team but come game time, he melted and didn't want to play. Parents stared at me like I was the mom "making a kid do something that he didn't want to do".  But some how I managed to get that willful little boy onto the court and when the game started he was still crying but when he got the ball and made his first shot, he ran over to me with the biggest smile and gave me a hug and sprinted back down the court!  That's all it took. He never cried at game time again. This verse began to ring true for him.  Colossians 3:23 "Work willingly at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people."

 In that same season, we had a player, Billy on our team that couldn't catch, rebound or shoot very well.  The coach had Lance go and score early in the game. He averaged about 14 pts a game and then he'd tell Lance to get other kids involved.  He first tried throwing to Billy but it would just go through his hands.  So Lance started dribbling to him and handing him the ball to shoot and Lance would rebound and hand it back to Billy.  Lance was relentless that season that Billy was going to score and when Billy eventually did score towards the end of the season, the gym erupted in excitement and Lance I think was even more excited than Billy!  Acts: 20:35 "I have been a constant example of how you can help those in need by working hard.  You should remember the words of the Lord Jesus:"It is more blessed to give than to receive."

Then when we moved to Altus, Lance went from being a point guard to being the tallest kid in his class. He accepted his new role with grace.  No longer was he the scoring machine but was a post player with fewer looks. He took his new role and even when given the ball he always looked to pass first and shoot second.  I'll admit that drove me a bit crazy as I know what he is capable of doing but at the same time I saw a 7 year old kid who didn't care who made the shots.  He wanted to see his team succeed more than he wanted success for himself!  How rare is that! Philipians 2:3:4 "Don't be selfish; don't try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don't look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too."

Then he joined a traveling baseball team and honestly his skill level was below the rest of the kids when we started.  He didn't start but got to play a few innings each game but he kept working hard.  He didn't want to quit just because he spent more time on the bench than on the field and he never whined or complained about it. He wanted to get better. When he struck out, he kept his head up and ran back to the dug-out. When others struck out he was the first one there to encourage them. Then we went to a  tournament and he didn't get to play at all in the first game. He set in the dug-out and cheered for his team.  He was probably more excited after the win than some of the kids that actually played!  The coach told him he'd get more playing time the next day because kids were going to be gone.  He went out and in the next 4 games didn't strike out and had some great hits and made good plays!  This last week again, he didn't make it out on the field for a tournament game.  The team was down 0-5 and came back to win it in extra innings 11-6.  As the game was  ending, I looked in the dug-out at the only kid that didn't play and Lance was up jumping up and running on the field hooping and hollering!  My heart was hurting because he didn't play and my frustrations were high as he has worked so hard and improved so much to not play in a game so close but when he came off the field we asked him "Are you disappointed you didn't get to play?"  His answer "A little but I am just so proud of how our team played hard and came back to win."  Philippians 4:8 "Fix your thoughts on what is true, honorable, right, pure, lovely and admirable.  Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise."

Yes that's my boy!  Sports never made any of his character.  His character was buried behind shyness and insecurity and was being molded underneath it all.  But sports revealed his heart.  It revealed his character and for that I stand in amazement of the character my son already has shown.  I didn't mention his football season but being the son of the High School Head Football Coach comes with a lot of weight on his shoulder pads and he handled the adversity like a champ which was better than his mom did but I'm working on that!  My son also  has other areas that we need God's help with but in this area God has truly blessed our son. Thank you Lord! I can't wait to see what you have in store for both of my children!